12 Feb 2009 - Separation Anxiety

Jerlene and myself have been suffering from separation anxiety every morning for the past 2 weeks. Although teary and tantrum-filled goodbyes are a common part of a child's earliest years, it can be unsettling. I really find it hard to leave Jerlene when I see her scream and cry for me. I understand that this is a stage where most parents have to go through and there is really nothing much I can do. No matter how pain my heart is, I had to force myself not to turn back after saying a firm goodbye........

Going through these few weeks are difficult. Next week when Jerlene goes to Childcare Centre, I foresee a more difficult time for both her and myself. I've read up a lot about separation anxiety and found an article which I like to share. It may be useful for people who are in the same situation as me. The full article is here. I've extracted a few useful paragraphs below:

"Between 8 months old 1 year old, kids grow into more independent toddlers, yet they are even more uncertain about being separated from a parent. This is when separation anxiety develops, and a child may become agitated and upset when parent tries to leave.

Separation anxiety is different from the normal feelings older kids have when they don't want a parent to leave. In those cases, the distress can usually be overcome if a child is distracted enough, and won't re-emerge until the parent returns and the child remembers that the parent left.

And kids do understand the effect this behavior has on parents. If you come running back into the room every time your child cries and then stay there longer or cancel your plans, your child will continue to use this tactic to avoid separation.

During this stage, you might experience different emotions. It can be gratifying to feel that your child is finally as attached to you as you are to him or her. But you're likely to feel guilty about taking time out for yourself, leaving your child with a caregiver, or going to work. And you may start to feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention your child seems to need from you.

Keep in mind that your little one's unwillingness to leave you is a good sign that healthy attachments have developed between the two of you. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you always return after you leave, and that will be enough comfort while you're gone. This also gives kids a chance to develop coping skills and a little independence.

These strategies can help ease kids and parents through this difficult period:

1) Timing is everything. Try not to start day care or child care with an unfamiliar person when your little one is between the ages of 8 months and 1 year, when separation anxiety is first likely to appear. Also, try not to leave when your child is likely to be tired, hungry, or restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps and mealtimes.

2) Practice. Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people and places gradually. If you're planning to leave your child with a relative or a new babysitter, then invite that person over in advance so they can spend time together while you're in the room. If your child is starting at a new day care center or preschool, make a few visits there together before a full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods of time so that he or she can get used to being away from you.

3) Be calm and consistent. Create a exit ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure him or her that you'll be back — and explain how long it will be until you return using concepts kids will understand (such as after lunch) because your child can't yet understand time. Give him or her your full attention when you say goodbye, and when you say you're leaving, mean it; coming back will only make things worse.

4) Follow through on promises. It's important to make sure that you return when you have promised to. This is critical — this is how your child will develop the confidence that he or she can make it through the time apart."